The Worst Place on the Internet
In which we spend some time on a truly awful website.
For about two years now, I’ve been a member of The Worst Group on Facebook, and I hate it so, so much. The bigger problem is that I also can’t stop looking at it.
I don’t use Facebook very much. I have an account, and have ever since it was only available to people with college email addresses. I didn’t have much use for it back then, since I wasn’t really friends with anyone that I went to college with, but I still wanted a profile. It sat dormant until they opened it up to everyone, then I used it quite a bit until Instagram and Twitter were introduced. Now it’s mostly dormant again. I only look at it from my phone, and have the screen time set for a 10 minute limit each day. I’ve never had to extend that.
For the longest time, I thought the worst Facebook group was SLC Vegans. I’m not a member, but I look at it every time I think about opening a restaurant so I can immediately remember why owning a restaurant is a nightmare. Vegans in this community are largely insufferable, and catering to them would drive me to suicide faster than anything else in the world. Probably.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered a worse group.
“On Facebook?” you’re probably asking. “The platform owned by Mark Zuckerberg that’s the single biggest reason for the steep decline of intelligence in the world? Surely you jest!”
Facebook did to the boomer generation what they thought video games and heavy metal music would do to kids in the mid-to-late 90’s. It fed them full of the most egregious information, and some of the stupidest lies of all time in little bite-sized chunks. They swallowed every click-bait headline whole (without ever reading the actual article) and regurgitated whatever they could remember to their idiot friends. The downward spiral to impending doom began a long time ago.
An old friend of mine is a moderator and sent me an invite to a group I’d never heard of. I was curious, so I accepted thinking that maybe it would be a good networking opportunity. I’m not sure why I thought that, because this group1 is filled with posts from some of the dumbest people alive, and rounded out by even worse comments. It’s always the first thing I see when I open the app, and I’m usually mad within the first 10 seconds.
The posts generally fall into one of the following categories:
Aspiring Slumlords - This is probably the most common, and the one I hate the most. It’s people who have decided that they’re going to get in the AirBnB business, or worse, they want to become a landlord. But it’s not just that, it’s that they want to be shitty landlords. They’re always asking how to cut corners, and what the bare minimum is to be legally compliant. And the comments are from a bunch of other people telling them how to do it! These are the people that Jello Biafra was talking about.
Terrible Business Owners - This is another one that happens more often than not. It’s from people that have never worked in customer service before, who either opened or bought something like a coffee shop thinking it was going to be easy money. This is usually the “No one wants to work anymore!” crowd, looking to blame someone else for the fact that they treat their employees like shit. They now have a terrible reputation in the community, and can’t find anyone willing to subject themselves to the horror show. They get so mad, and it’s always, ALWAYS someone else’s fault.
Let’s Get Litigious - These are people that want to sue for the most minor inconveniences. It’s usually people trying to find lawyers who won’t charge by people who clearly won’t win any case they’re crowdsourcing on Facebook. Either that, or they’re about to be in actual legal trouble and they’re throwing out a “hypothetical” just to see if they’re really as screwed as they think they are.
NO POLITICS! - This is a rule that gets ignored every single day, and the posts are usually deleted fairly quickly. I feel for the moderator that has to wade through everything just to see a post they’ve deleted seven times in the last 24 hours.
Grifters and “Entrepreneurs” - These are the LinkedIn hustle bros who are selling courses and classes on how to make it in business. They claim to be making like $10,000 a month in passive income but can’t actually explain what they do. If enough idiots pay $250 for a YouTube lecture full of vague information and incorrect financial advice, you've got yourself a nice little scam. This is also where you’ll find people looking for investors for very religious films, or straight up right wing propaganda movies. The funnier ones are people who come in with truly absurd requests.
“I have an opportunity to buy a money generating business, but I can’t afford it and don’t qualify for a loan. Is there anyone willing to front the money to me without having any input on how the business is run and won’t ask for an ROI of any amount? This business only costs $1.7 million. Shoot me a DM!”
You can add “Life Coaches” and “Consultants” to this group, as well. They advertise their “services” constantly. Those are two of the biggest legal scams in the world, and I DESPERATELY want in on that racket. Someone paying me money once a week to tell them what to do via Zoom? Sign me the fuck up!
Sometimes it’s just harmless—but very misguided—business owners trying to market their product by trying to tie it to current events. It’s always awkward.
“I heard Netflix is raising prices again! Well our Key Fobs for luxury cars are still the same price they were last year!”
Another one that happens almost every day, is someone popping in to ask about the real estate market. Sometimes it’s a direct, honest question, but most of the time it’s a very vague “I want to buy my first house this year. Who is the BEST real estate agent that you know?” Then it’s just 350 comments of realtors and mortgage lenders replying.
“Just sent you a DM!” “I’d love to chat!” “Here’s a link to my Insta!”
Each time it happens—which again, is a lot—I think about a painting by the British artist Briton Riviere called “Aggravation.” It’s so perfectly fitting.
Other times it’s someone genuinely asking for advice, and for some reason thinking this group will provide answers. One guy made a post on the anniversary of his dad’s death asking how people cope with loss. The comments were filled with people saying, “I know what you’re going through. My son/daughter is on a mission for the church right now and I miss them so much!” I was baffled. They were really trying to relate their kid knocking on doors in Des Moines, Iowa for a few months with this man losing his father. It’s wild.
This is also why I can’t stop looking. It’s an internet train wreck that’s too good to turn away from. I should be doing something more productive, but I’m not going to.
I don’t want to say the name, because someone somewhere might find this post*, forward it to the actual moderator, and then I’ll get kicked out and have to focus my rage somewhere else. But if you’re in Utah, I bet you can make the connection somehow.
*This is highly unlikely. No one reads these.