The Most Important Thing I’ve Ever Written

In which we search for the most delicious meal.

We’re in that weird part of Salt Lake City Spring where it’s like 70 degrees and sunny for two days, then 42 and snowing for the next three. It happens every year, and it’s the absolute worst. We all know it’s coming, yet it still catches everyone off guard every single time.

One upside to this inevitable yet awful stretch is that I’ve been able to spend most of my nights at home, holed up in my apartment rewatching THE SOPRANOS and performing critical research to bring you the definitive Vegan Mac & Cheese Power Ranking.

This is the most important thing I’ve ever written, and I’m happy to share it with you.

Let’s just get the hard part out of the way: Earth Balance Mac & Cheese was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to vegans. I am being 100% serious here, too. It was a perfect 10/10.

They stopped making it in 2017, and nothing has been able to fully replace it.

Earth Balance never gave an official reason for why they stopped, but they issued a recall in December of 2016. A news article alluded that they may have been using equipment that also processed dairy, and the cross contamination made some people sick. Rather than actually admit fault, they just stopped making it and pretended it never existed in the first place.

Not being 100% vegan is probably what made it so good, right? There, I made the joke for you because I don’t want to hear it again.

I’ve been searching for a replacement ever since Earth Balance disappeared from store shelves. There’s been a power vacuum for nearly a decade, and many shots at the throne, but there can be only one.

Annie’s Vegan Mac - 9/10

This is the closest anyone will get to recreating Earth Balance, and it’s probably the best we’re going to get. As a #SingleSuccessfulGuy, I can assure you that I’ve put in my 10,000 hours¹ and perfected the recipe for boxed Mac & Cheese. Each one of these has the same basic directions, but I add Gardein crumbles, salt, pepper, and Cholula. I also double the (non-dairy) milk amount since the grounds absorb some of the liquid. I made all of them the same way to level the playing field. This is the perfect meal, and I make it almost once a week—usually on Sunday evening.

Grown Ass Mac - 8/10

I didn’t even know this one existed until I posted about this little project on Instagram. Vegans have very strong feelings about this topic, and everyone wanted to make sure their favorite was considered. I really liked this one. The flavor profile is a little different than the rest, and reminds me of the mac at Veggie Grill, which is one of my favorite places to grab a quick bite when I’m in Los Angeles. I’d probably give them a higher ranking, but the name bothers me. I hate when companies insist on using curse words in the name only to censor it. You know this was thrown out by the “edgy” marketing company, and some incredibly boring CEO thought it was brilliant and hip. I can see this pitch meeting in my mind, and I hate everyone in the room.

Pretty good mac, though. Will buy again.

Chao Creamy Original Mac - 8/10

This one should probably be in a separate category because it comes frozen, but it’s surprisingly good! Chao is one of the better brands of vegan cheese, so I had high hopes and wasn’t disappointed. It gets a knock because one box is not enough for a meal (for me, at least), but it could be a great snack. I’ll probably keep some on hand for a late afternoon pick-me-up, when I know I’m going to eat a real (possibly non-mac & cheese) dinner later. The other downside is that it takes 10 minutes of microwave time. Ten minutes is only a slightly shorter amount of time than the rest of these take to make from start to finish. If your product needs to be in the microwave for longer than, like, 5 minutes max, you need to go back to the drawing board. Still pleasantly surprised. I added salt, pepper, and Cholula to get it as close to the other “recipes.”

Daiya Cheddar Mac & Cheese - 7/10

So we’re clear, this is in reference to the boxed mac with the powdered cheese pack, NOT the liquid. The liquid squeeze pack Daiya is some of the worst mac & cheese I’ve ever eaten. It’s so bad that I almost didn’t even include this one in the test because I was afraid to buy it. They started in the negative, and somehow got up to 7, so that’s pretty good. I do appreciate Daiya’s willingness to keep tweaking their recipe to make all their cheese products better. Most companies won’t do that, so props to them for trying. The best part of this one is that it’s available at Winco for significantly less than Smith’s or Whole Foods. I’ll have to keep that in mind when the rest of these jump up to $8 a box this summer.

Banza - 6/10

A few years ago, I was dating this girl and we were making dinner at my apartment. It was right after Thanksgiving, and she was telling me about cooking with her family. Her mom had told her that she had a “death glare” that she unleashed several times throughout the day while in the kitchen with her aunts and cousins. Any time someone did something that she didn’t approve of—too much salt, removing something from the heat too soon—it came out. She didn’t even realize that she was doing it, but her family teased her all day. She didn’t believe them, and was adamant that she’s very laid back in the kitchen.

We were making a Vermicelli Stir Fry, and while she sautéed the veggies and tofu, I pulled the noodles from the stove and poured them into the strainer sitting in the sink. Now, I make pasta quite a bit and NEVER rinse the noodles. Never. That night, for some reason—I have no idea why, and think about it like once a month—I rinsed the noodles. I just instinctively turned on the water and let it run into the strainer. She heard it, turned around immediately and said, “What are you doing?”

And there it was. The Death Glare.

“Oh shit!” I said. “That’s it! That’s the face! You DO have a look!”

I continued to tease her for a minute, while also apologizing for rinsing the noodles. Again, I have no idea why I did that. She tried to play it cool and laugh about it, but I think she was still secretly really mad. The stir fry ended up being just okay. I think we messed up the sauce somewhere along the way—but it definitely wasn’t the noodles. I still ate like three bowls.

Anyway. The directions on the Banza box say to rinse the noodles after cooking, but her Death Glare is burned into my memory forever so I did not do that. I don’t think rinsing these would have made a difference. It wasn’t great, and the chickpea noodles are decent, but I probably won’t buy it again.

On another note, the guys that started Banza were featured on a show called Restaurant Startup a few years ago. It’s one of the few reality/competition shows that I actually enjoy²— kinda like Shark Tank for restaurants. I think you can stream it on Hulu.

Goodles - Vegan Be Heroes - 6/10

During COVID, I didn’t go to a sit down, eat-in restaurant for like six months³. It was a real bummer, and I got so tired of cooking my own food. The only good vegan mac (Shoutout to Earth Balance again, RIP) had stopped production, so I was just trying random things. Some worked, some didn’t.

The only bright side to that ordeal is that I didn’t have to explain to any other restaurants that ‘vegan’ and ‘gluten free’ are two different things. Things can be gluten free while still containing dairy, and things can be vegan while still being full of gluten. It’s a very difficult concept for an astonishingly high number of people. They can overlap, sure, but they don’t NEED to.

This is the biggest problem with Goodles Vegan Mac. It’s vegan and gluten free, and it’s… fine. I didn’t hate it, but I won’t be buying it again.

Kraft Plant Based Mac & Cheese - 4/10

I’ve been vegan since 1998, so it’s been at least that long since I’ve eaten Kraft Mac & Cheese, but probably longer. I didn’t know they made a plant based version until a couple of weeks ago, and it’s really what set me on the path of comparing all the different brands. This is not good. It’s weirdly sweet, and the only one I didn’t finish. To be honest, I’m glad it sucks. I never have to pay attention to the brand Kraft ever again, and any nostalgia I may have had for my favorite childhood snack is gone. Don’t buy this. It’s very bad.

However, if we use the Kraft noodles with the Goodles Vegan Cheese Pack, we can solve two problems and make one pretty decent batch. Or you could just buy one of the good ones.

So there you have it. This is the absolute, definitive order. You may have your own opinion, but you are wrong. A new king has been crowned.

Already bracing for when Annie’s decides to discontinue their vegan mac for no reason. It’s the only possible ending here.

1. In true internet fashion, Googling 10,000 Hours will get you a bunch of articles from people claiming that Malcolm Gladwell is a complete moron for suggesting you need to practice something a lot to achieve perfection. I don’t even like Malcolm Gladwell, but I think the general idea of doing something a lot to get good at it is pretty solid advice.

2. Below Deck was the other until they started making like 4 different versions so it was on all the time and no longer special.

3. I worked at a restaurant that shut down on March 17, and reopened in mid-May. Interacting with customers that summer made it very clear that we were doomed forever in more ways than one.